2016 was the year that changed my life. I know every year we change a little, but 2016 was different. It all happened, the good and the bad.
I remember sitting in church on New Year’s Eve of 2015, and I asked the church to continue to pray that God would lead me to the woman He wanted me to marry.
Fast forward, a few weeks maybe even months later this girl came back into my life that I had went out with on and off during college. I always felt like she was the one who got away. We started hanging out again, and things seemed to fall back into place with us just like no time had passed.
We were having fun, just like we used too. I thought things were going well, and her family took me in which made it that much easier. One night after we had went out, I went to bed and I remember praying to God about her. I prayed, “God if this is not what you have for me, I want you to end it now.”
What a scary prayer to pray, but it was a very Jesus take the wheel from me kinda moment. I knew whatever happened, it would be for the best.
Not too much time had passed after I prayed that little prayer, and things changed. It was over between me and that girl, just like that. I knew it was God ending the relationship for me. He knew I couldn’t do it, so He had to do it in a way that was out of my hands.
I let Jesus take the wheel that night in my bedroom, but when He did I wanted to take it right back. I wasn’t so sure of the outcome. I was so hurt, you don’t even know. Flat out broken.
I thought, God seriously? Another one? I thought it was going to work out this time. I thought she was the one that got away. Why me? Why now? So many questions.
You may ask why I prayed this prayer when I was so sure of this moment in my life. I was so sure that it was going to work out this time. So sure that this had to be it. I mean, after all she came back into my life after so much time had passed. It had to be right? But I knew I had to consider God and what He wanted for me. See, I have so many plans and ideas of how my life should go (just like everyone else does). Remember Nashville? If you don’t, God said no to that too. Just because I want something does not mean God wants it for me, and that’s a hard concept to grasp. I trust Him, even though it may not make sense at the time.
God has this whole plan for my life that does not include my plans or ideas of how it should go, and He does not work on my timing. If you know me at all, it’s hard for me to give up the wheel. I like to be in control of the car. I like to control how fast the car goes, where it goes, and when it leaves. But I had to take a step back in that moment and let Jesus have control because He can see what I don’t.
For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end.
I had no idea where a future with this girl was going to take me, and if it would detour God’s plan for my life. As much as I wanted Him to take the wheel, it still broke me and it left me asking Him why when He did.
Why am I here again? You must not have a plan for me? I said. Yes, my heart was broken into a million pieces. But it was in that moment that God was preparing me. He was going to use my brokenness for something that was not in my plans. He picked up all of the broken pieces and started putting them back together for something bigger than me.
During this time of brokenness, my first blog was born titled, “Single man’s prayer for a virtuous woman.” Little did I know where this was going to take me. I was scared to let people in, but I knew I had nothing to lose at this point, so I hit publish. My heart and life was officially on display for the world to read. The response was unexpected and it reached people that I had never met. People could relate to me.
I kept writing, I had so many stories to share. More than I thought. There were some stories that I was scared to write, but I wrote them anyway. I was scared to let the world into my heart on such a personal level, but I knew it was time. I had to jump and trust that God was going to catch me. He did.
There were many times I would be at the gym, and it would be weighing heavy on my heart to write so I dropped everything I was doing and wrote right then and there. I didn’t leave anything out. I couldn’t. God wouldn’t let me write the next chapter until I wrote what was on my heart. I literally had writer’s block. I shared everything God allowed me to.
Shortly after a few blog posts, something bigger would be born that I was not expecting. It was a book. Something I had never planned. Never even thought of. I spent countless hours writing and trying my best to perfect the book and my stories as best I could. It weighed heavy on my heart the whole time until it was ready. God didn’t want me to give up, and push it to the side.
Shortly after I finished writing every chapter, God told me to testify in church.
I had just relived the past 26 years of my life, and you know what? I had to thank God with tear filled eyes for every broken heart, for the very place I’m in, and the place I am not. I had to thank Him because He had a plan through it all, but I had to be broken one more time so that I could give Him the glory for it all. I had to be willing and ready to go to the next place, it was part of His timing. Because if it were up to me, I would have left all of this out of my story but God had another plan.
What if my heart had never been broken? What if I had not considered God’s plan? If my heart had not been broken, and I had not considered God’s plan for my life this book would’ve never happened. I can’t imagine my life had I gone the other way. Listening to God liberated me and broke the chains that Satan tried to bind me with for far too long.
The book changed me. I had to let go of everything, and step out of my comfort zone. I was scared to let you in. I was scared for you to see my weakness, to know my doubts, my insecurities, and that I’m still saving myself for marriage at 26 years old. But I wanted you all to see that God is my strength. That even though I’m unworthy, weak, and full of imperfections God sees past my faults and loves me just as I am. He is still able to use me despite my brokenness.
I have met so many new people, heard so many stories, and sat in awe that my life has been a help to others. So many people that I never would’ve met, had I not been obedient and sought after God’s will. My broken heart was a part of God’s plan, and I’m so grateful for it.
“I’m so confused, I know I heard you loud and clear. So, I followed through. Somehow I ended up here. I don’t wanna think. I may never understand. That my broken heart is a part of your plan. When I try to pray, all I’ve got is hurt and these four words. Thy will be done.”
– Hillary Scott “Thy Will”
I’m not sure why He chose me? But as scary as it was to let everyone in, I wouldn’t change a thing. I wouldn’t change the tears, the broken hearts, or the questioning of His will because without it all I wouldn’t be writing this today. I may not even know you had it not been for the book.
I know I will have many days ahead of me where I will still ask God why, but I’ve been through enough to know that God has a plan for me. I will wait, and I will try my best to turn my doubts over to Him and trust in His timing. I know His plan will be far better than anything I could’ve dreamed because it already is.
Please continue to remember me in prayer when you can, and I’ll do the same for you. I’ll try my best to try and stop driving my car, and let Jesus have full control. After all, I’m still human and have my imperfections but He knows my heart’s desire.
Through it all, God has been good, and I wouldn’t change a thing. I couldn’t begin to count the many blessings I’ve received this year. I’m so thankful that my God had a plan for little ole me. He had a plan even when I couldn’t see for all the rain. But I forgot that after the rain, God promised me the sun would shine again and there would be a rainbow.
I pray that you always seek God first in everything you do and that you always look to the Son.
P.S. When I shot the trailer for my book the sun was always in my eyes 🙂